


macbeth but it's shitty

by LieutenantSaavik



Series: what if shakespeare but memes [2]
Category: Macbeth - Shakespeare
Genre: Gen, and shakespeare is crying, lady macbeth is a lesbian, the gang's all here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-16
Updated: 2018-11-16
Packaged: 2019-08-24 07:45:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16635788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LieutenantSaavik/pseuds/LieutenantSaavik
Summary: macbeth but the witches are stoned and keep singing 'fireflies' by owl city at inopportune moments





	macbeth but it's shitty

_[Lights up on a bare stage. A poorly-made sign reading “somewhere in scotland” identifies the location of the play. A winded MESSENGER runs on towards KING DUNCAN, TWO GUARDS, MACDUFF, MALCOLM, and DONALBAIN.]_

**Scene 1: MIDDLE OF A FOREST (Birnam Wood).**

**Messenger:** King Duncan! King Duncan! I gotta tell you about all the cool shit this dude Macbeth just did!

 **Duncan:** What did he do?

 **Messenger:** This!

_[He gestures grandly to the other half of the stage, where two people do the slappy hands thing at each other until a third person, MACBETH, half-heartedly pulls them apart. Heavy applause from KING DUNCAN, MACDUFF, MALCOLM, and DONALBAIN.]_

**Duncan:** Wig snatched!

 **Malcolm:** We stan a legend!

 **Macduff:** Talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, showstopping, spectacular, never the same, totally unique, completely not ever been done before!

 **Duncan:** _(still fanboying)_ We gotta find Macbeth and tell him how cool he is! Let’s go!

_[Exeunt.]_

 

**Scene 2: MIDDLE OF A FOREST (Birnam Wood). Three old women, the WITCHES, sit around smoking weed.**

**Witch 1:** When shall we three meet again?

 **Witch 2:** Jesus, we just got here. Give us a minute to rest before making any more god damned plans, Janice.

 **Witch 3:** Leave her alone, Sharon. She’s cooking up a plot, Sharon.

 **Witch 2:** More like cooking up some pot, Susan.

 **Witch 1:** We’re gonna take down some easily tempted misogynistic assholes and generally fuck shit up a bit, Sharon. I have pot, Sharon.

 **Witch 2:** Now we’re talking, Janice.

 **Witch 3:** We’re gonna jumpstart a tragic self-fulfilling prophecy that’ll lead to a bunch of unnecessary carnage, suffering, and death, Sharon.

 **Witch 2:** Why, Janice?

 **Witch 1:** Cuz we feel like it, Sharon. Ah, here comes Macbeth.

_[Enter MACBETH and BANQUO.]_

**Witch 1:** YO, MACBETH, YOU’RE GONNA BE KING SOMEDAY. _(as an afterthought)_ And Thane of Cawdor.

 **Macbeth:** Well that sounds like a load of BS.

 **Witch 2:** It’s not.

 **Macbeth:** It’s not?

 **Witch 3:** It’s not.

 **Macbeth:** Well, I’m convinced. Thanks, witches!

 **Banquo:** Witches? More like bitches. They didn’t say _I’d_ get anything good.

 **Witch 1:** You won’t get anything good, but your kids will. _They’ll_ get to be king.

 **Banquo:** And I’m supposed to be reassured by that… how?

 **Witch 2:** Dunno, Banquo. Anywho… that’s our scene. Bye.

_[Exeunt WITCHES. As they go, DUNCAN, MALCOLM, DONALBAIN, and MACDUFF catch up to MACBETH.]_

**Duncan:** _(out of breath)_ Yo, Macbeth! i’m promoting you to Thane of Cawdor.

 **Macbeth:** That’s lit, your highness! _(to audience)_ I don’t know what a thane is and at this point I’m too afraid to ask.

 **Banquo:** _(pulls Macbeth out of earshot of the others)_ Hey, didn’t the witches literally _just_ say you’d get to be Thane of Cawdor?

 **Macbeth:** Fuck, dude, they sure did.

 **Banquo:** Maybe the other stuff they said is right, too?

 **Macbeth:** _(preoccupied with something else)_ Maybe. _(this is what’s on his mind:)_ Fellas, is it gay to become Thane of Cawdor?

 **Banquo:** _(completely flummoxed)_ What?

 **Macbeth:** I mean, you’re basically accepting a gift from a man.

 **Banquo:** _(still completely flummoxed)_ What?

 **Macbeth:** I don’t know! I’m, like, uncomfy about masculinity and shit. I gotta, like. Be a man, y’know? Like, a real man. A real bro. The kind of guy who, I dunno, spikes girls’ drinks at parties with weird drugs, or drinks six-packs of beers, or plays fantasy football--a man, y’know? A real bro, a dude, a--

 **Banquo:** Do you even know what a man is? Like, do you even know what gender is?

 **Macbeth:** Do you? Does _anyone_ in a Shakespeare play? Like, have you _read_ Twelfth Night?

 **Banquo:** Touché. But I gotta say, the stuff you just said is pretty creepy. I drink respect women juice, and I don’t think I can be your friend anymore.

 **Macbeth:** Fine, I’ll just have you murdered.

 **Banquo:** What?

 **Macbeth:** What?

 **Banquo:** What?

 **Macbeth:** Oh, nothing. I’m gonna write home to my wife. This has been a crazy day.

 **Banquo:** Want a donut?

 **Macbeth:** Sure.

_[Exeunt, eating donuts.]_

 

**Scene 3: LADY MACBETH, everyone’s favorite murderous lesbian, is reading a letter.**

**Lady Macbeth:** _(reading)_ “My dear wife,”--ugh, he’s disgustingly sentimental. What are we, married? Oh, right. _(clears throat)_ “I saw some weird sisters”--wow, that’s rude, to just call people ‘weird’ like that--“And they prophesied that I’d be Thane of Cawdor, and then King, and now I really am Thane of Cawdor!” That’s great. _(to audience)_ I don’t know what a thane is and at this point I’m too afraid to ask. “Since the weird sisters”--there he goes again, so discourteous--“Are definitely reliable sources, I think I really might become king.” That’d be awesome. Macbeth and I should just kill Duncan! But wait, then one of Duncan’s delinquent sons would become king. We can just… cross that bridge when we come to it. _(she looks out offstage)_ Oh look, there’s Macbeth! Convenient, isn’t it, how characters always just show up right when they’re needed. MACBETH! CONGRATULATIONS!

_[MACBETH enters]_

**Macbeth:** Hey, thanks! I didn’t know you had affection in you.

 **Lady Macbeth:** I don’t. It’s called acting. _(pause)_ I think we should kill Duncan.

 **Macbeth:** Elaborate on that.

 **Lady Macbeth:** No.

 **Macbeth:** Do you not like his donuts?

 **Lady Macbeth:** What?

 **Macbeth:** Because I personally think Duncan’s Donuts are very good.

 **Lady Macbeth:** I think we’re talking about two very different people here. I think we should kill _King_ Duncan.

 **Macbeth:** Wait, why?

 **Lady Macbeth:** So you can be king, dumbass.

 **Macbeth:** But I’m not sure I even want to be king.

 **Lady Macbeth:** _(to audience)_ Get a load a this guy. _(to Macbeth)_ Of course you want to be king.

 **Macbeth:** No, I don’t.

 **Lady Macbeth:** Yes, you do.

 **Macbeth:** No, I don’t.

 **Lady Macbeth:** Yes, you do.

 **Macbeth:** No, I don’t.

 **Lady Macbeth:** No, you don’t.

 **Macbeth:** Yes, I do. Wait, what?

 **Lady Macbeth:** Oh, there we go! Well, being the only clever person in this entire play, I know exactly what to do. We’ll invite King Duncan over for a sleepover, then kill him.

 **Macbeth:** Wow. Is this why adults don’t have sleepovers?

 **Lady Macbeth:** Yep.

 **Macbeth:** _(glumly)_ Alright, I’ll invite him. Do you think a handwritten card or an email would be better?

 **Lady Macbeth:** Macbeth, this is Shakespeare. Send a messenger. That’s what they’re there for. That’s all they’re there for. They have absolutely nothing else to do.

 **Macbeth:** Gotcha.

 **Lady Macbeth:** And make sure to invite some other people, too, so we can get their hands all bloody and act like they did it.

 **Macbeth:** Gotcha.

 **Lady Macbeth:** You know, I think if you thought for yourself, it would kill you.

 **Macbeth:** Hey! Act five spoilers.

 **Lady Macbeth:** Sorry. Oh, I almost forgot my most iconic line! UNSEX ME HERE!

 **Macbeth:** Why?

 **Lady Macbeth:** Because underboob sweat sucks. Bye now!

_[Macbeth exits]_

**Lady Macbeth:** Wow, I really love being a conniving bitch. _(her phone pings)_ Ah, Ophelia texted the groupchat. She says men suck. Retweet.

 

**Scene 4: SLEEPOVER. KING DUNCAN, TWO GUARDS, MALCOLM, and DONALBAIN are lying down around the stage, sleeping in vaguely improbable positions in brightly-colored sleeping bags. All softly snore. There are two extra sleeping bags on the floor, one very fancy and pink and one very plain and blue, that belong to LADY MACBETH and MACBETH respectively. LADY MACBETH has a knife.**

**Macbeth:** Macduff said he’s gonna be late to the party.

 **Lady Macbeth:** Sad.

 **Macbeth:** Listen, _(looking at King Duncan)_ I don’t want to do it.

 **Lady Macbeth:** Fine, I’ll do it. _(she sees Duncan’s face)_ OhnoIwon’tdoit!

 **Macbeth:** Why not?

 **Lady Macbeth:** He looks too much like my dad!

 **Macbeth:** So you do have a heart! I’d wondered.

 **Lady Macbeth:** Macbeth, we’re married.

 **Macbeth:** That’s why I’d wondered.

 **Lady Macbeth:** Take the knife and just kill him, okay? _(she hands him the knife and gets into the Shia LaBeouf pose)_ DO IT. JUST DO IT. Don’t let your dreams be dreams. Yesterday, you said tomorrow, so JUST DO IT. MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE. JUST… DO IT. _(pause)_ Some people dream of success while you’re gonna wake up and work HARD at it. NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE. You should get to the point where anyone else would quit and you’re not gonna stop there. NO! What are you waiting for? DO IT! JUST… DO IT! Yes, you can. Just do it. _(pause)_ If you’re tired of starting over, stop giving up. _(drops the Shia LaBoeuf pose)_ Come on, Macbeth. Let’s get this blood.

 **Macbeth:** I think you mean ‘let’s get this bread.’

 **Lady Macbeth:** _(cheerfully)_ Nope! _(she walks to the other side of the stage)_ I’ll be over here waiting.

 **Macbeth:** Alright, here goes. KRISPY KREME IS BETTER!

_[MACBETH stabs DUNCAN, who anticlimactically whispers ‘ow’ and dies. MACBETH returns to LADY MACBETH with bloody hands clasped together, clearly dejected and regretful.]_

**Macbeth:** I’ve done it.

 **Lady Macbeth:** _(taking the bloody knife from him)_ You had to do it.

 **Macbeth:** I had to do it to ’em.

 **Lady Macbeth:** You know you had to do it to ’em.

 **Macbeth:** I know I had to do it to ’em.

 **Lady Macbeth:** _(to audience)_ He knows he had to do it to ’em.

_[there’s a knock on the door.]_

**LM & M:** SHIT!

_[LADY MACBETH and MACBETH hurriedly wipe their hands on the curtains, plant the knives beside the GUARDS’ sleeping bags, and throw themselves onto the floor to scramble into their own sleeping bags. MACBETH is closer to the fancy pink one.]_

**Macbeth:** I can’t use this one! It’s pink!

 **Lady Macbeth:** _(already successfully inside the blue sleeping bag)_ For god’s sake, we’re about to be arrested for murder, and you’re worried about your masculinity?

 **Macbeth:** Of course!

_[Lady Macbeth scrambles out of the blue sleeping bag, throws it to Macbeth, and scrambles into the pink one. Macbeth does the reverse. Neither of them get all the way into their sleeping bags before MACDUFF enters.]_

**Macduff:** _(he takes in MACBETH and LADY MACBETH, comically sprawled on the floor half-in and half-out of their sleeping bags, fake-snoring loudly)_ Huh. _(he notices the DUNCAN’s corpse)_ Duncan? Duncan? Duncan? Oh my fuckin god he fuckin dead. GUYS! SOMEONE MURDERED THE KING!

 **Lady Macbeth:** _(“waking up”)_ Oh, I hate it when that happens.

 **Macbeth:** _(“waking up”)_ Who did it?! Oh look, those two guards have knives right by their bags! I bet they did it! _(he crosses to them)_

 **Guard 1:** No we didn’t--

_[MACBETH stabs him. He dies.]_

**Guard 2:** We really didn’t--

_[MACBETH stabs him too. He dies.]_

**Macduff:** _(completely flummoxed)_ What is going on?

 **Lady Macbeth:** _(helpfully)_ Macbeth killed the men who might have killed the king. He fell into, uh, a fit of rage.

 **Macbeth:** Like the manly man I am.

 **Lady Macbeth:** Like the manly man he is.

 **Macduff:** How sure are you that those two guards killed the king and not either Malcolm or Donalbain, the king’s sons? _(to Macbeth)_ I’m sure you, the man I just saw commit two murders, didn’t murder the king.

 **Lady Macbeth:** _(aside to Macbeth)_ You know, I’m almost insulted he didn’t think it was me. I mean, my hands are still bloody. _(they’re not)_

 **Macbeth:** Shhh. And no, they’re not.

 **Lady Macbeth:** Yes, they-- _(she realises they’re not and laughs nervously)_ Sorry, don’t know what happened there.

 **Macduff:** Hey, Malcolm! Donalbain! Wake up.

_[MALCOLM and DONALBAIN wake up]_

**Malcolm:** What’s going on?

 **Donalbain:** Oh my god! Murder! Blood! I’m starting to panic!

 **Malcolm:** Me, too!

 **Donalbain:** We gotta get out of here!

_[They run off, screaming “FUCK” loudly.]_

**Lady Macbeth:** Look at that.

 **Macbeth:** Yes, look at that.

 **Lady Macbeth:** Very, very suspicious!

 **Macbeth:** Yes, very, very suspicious.

 **Lady Macbeth:** They fled the scene of the crime before you could question them.

 **Macbeth:** Yes, they fled the scene of the crime before you could question them.

 **Lady Macbeth:** What’s Scotland gonna do without its king and heirs to the throne?

 **Macbeth:** Yes, what’s Scotland gonna do without its king and heirs to the throne?

 **Macduff:** I don’t--I really don’t know.

 **Lady Macbeth:** You know, uh, Macbeth is Thane of Cawdor, which is a pretty high rank, which, uh, I think means he gets to be the new king, right?

 **Macbeth:** And I think I’d make a great king, uh, personally.

 **Macduff:** Yeah. I guess that’s how it’s gonna go. Congrats, I guess. _(looks again at the carnage)_ Wow. Is this why adults don’t have sleepovers?

 **Lady Macbeth:** Yep.

 **Macduff:** Listen, we should get out of here. I don’t like hanging out in crime scenes.

_[Exeunt]_

 

**Scene 5: BANQUO is sitting around, chilling and eating donuts.**

**Banquo:** So basically what happened is that some stoned soccer moms told Macbeth that he’d become Thane of Cawdor and King, and then Macbeth actually does become Thane of Cawdor, and then that night King Duncan gets murdered and his sons run away because they’re blamed for the murder, and now Macbeth actually _is_ king, which means he’s probably the one who killed King Duncan… And my reaction to this is… to talk to myself and eat donuts. Wow, I love how my biggest monologue in this play is literally just a plot summary. _[MACBETH enters]_

 **Macbeth:** Hey! Hey! Banquo! You’re going on a road trip tonight, right?

 **Banquo:** Yeah.

 **Macbeth:** You’re gonna be all alone on a dark stretch of road for several hours, right?

 **Banquo:** ...Yeah?

 **Macbeth:** Cool. There’s absolutely no way any of these questions are suspicious, right? _(pause)_ Did I just say that out loud?

 **Banquo:** What?

 **Macbeth:** What?

 **Banquo:** What?

 **Macbeth:** Oh, nothing. I’m just sad you’re gonna miss the banquet I’m hosting tonight.

 **Banquo:** I’m severely tempted to make a pun on ‘Banquo’ and ‘Banquet,’ but I’m restraining myself.

 **Macbeth:** Nah, you just can’t come up with one.

 **Banquo:** You right. But can _you_ come up with one?

_[MACBETH thinks this challenge over]_

**Macbeth:** You right. Anyway, ttyl.

 **Banquo:** Ttyl. _[exit Banquo]_

 **Macbeth:** _(stage whispering)_ Murderers, where you at?

_[Enter THREE MURDERERS who are, yes, the witches, but Macbeth is stupid and doesn’t notice]_

**Murderer 1:** We’re here.

 **Murderer 2:** We’re queer.

 **Murderer 3:** Space, the final frontier--wait, sorry. I think that’s a little out-of-place.

 **Murderer 1:** Not really. There are at least fifteen Star Trek episode titles that are actually Shakespeare quotes. Plus a whole bunch of borrowed plotlines. But anyway, I’m guessing you want us to murder Banquo and his son?

 **Macbeth:** Yep.

 **Murderer 2:** No problem, dude. On it.

 **Murderer 3:** On it like a sonnet! _(pause)_ What? It’s Shakespeare.

_[Exeunt.]_

 

**Scene 6: DUNSINANE CASTLE. BANQUET. Random people sit at a table, all wearing nametags that read “Miscellaneous Thane.” LADY MACBETH is there. There’s one empty seat.**

**Macbeth:** Hey hey hey whaddup! Welcome, Thanes.

 **Thanes, simultaneously:** _(to audience)_ We don’t know what thanes are and at this point we’re too afraid to ask.

 **Macbeth:** Man, I wish Banquo were here. Tonight, we celebrate-- _(he moves to make a toast; he stops as the THREE MURDERERS enter)_ Oh, wait, hang on.

_[he hops out of his seat; lights out on the banquet table]_

**Macbeth:** So did you kill Banquo?

 **Murderer 1:** Yep.

 **Murderer 2:** Sure did.

 **Murderer 3:** It was fun.

 **Murderer 1:** But Banquo’s son, Fleance, got away.

 **Macbeth:** You had ONE JOB!

 **Murderer 1:** I mean, he had to live, for plot reasons.

 **Macbeth:** Hey! Act five spoilers. Get outta here.

_[exit MURDERERS. Lights back up on the banquet table. BANQUO’S GHOST, pale and bloody, is sitting in the empty seat, eating a donut]_

**Macbeth:** Oh my god, Banquo’s ghost.

 **Banquo’s Ghost, mouth full:** Fuck, dude, it sure is.

 **Macbeth:** Why are you here?

 **Banquo’s Ghost:** Gee, that’s a toughie. Maybe cuz you murdered me?

 **Macbeth:** I had to! For plot reasons! Go away!

 **Banquo’s Ghost:** Okay. _(he stands up, starts to exit)_ You better watch out, you better watch out, you better watch out, you better watch out!

_[Exit Banquo’s Ghost.]_

**Lady Macbeth** **_(to Miscellaneous Thanes)_ ** **:** Alright, well, my husband’s gone crazy. Just take some food and go.

_[Exeunt Miscellaneous Thanes.]_

**Lady Macbeth:** What was that about?

 **Macbeth:** Banquo’s ghost showed up?

 **Lady Macbeth:** Oh, so you killed Banquo too? Proud of you.

 **Macbeth:** Thanks? Hey, _(as he watches the last of the Thanes exit)_ Why wasn’t Macduff at the banquet?

 **Lady Macbeth:** I dunno. Maybe he suspects us for Duncan’s murder?

 **Macbeth:** Yikes. I’m gonna go talk to the witches again.

 **Lady Macbeth:** But they’ve literally never given you good advi--

 **Macbeth:** I’m gonna go talk to the witches again!

_[Exit Macbeth.]_

**Lady Macbeth:** Men! _(pause. she looks at her hands)_ Still bloody.

_[Exit Lady Macbeth.]_

 

**Scene 7: MIDDLE OF A FOREST (Birnam Wood). Three old women, the WITCHES, sit around taking shots. Nearby are THREE DARTBOARDS. One is labeled with places, e.g. “Birnam Wood,” “Dunsinane,” “Elsinore,” “Verona.” Another is labeled with verbs, e.g. “Vanquished,” “Scorn,” “Harm,” “Born.” A third is labeled with people, e.g. “Man,” “Woman,” “Fleance,” “Macduff.”**

**Witches, to the tune of ‘Fireflies’:** You would not believe your thane  
Now it’s Macbeth’s kingly reign  
And time for the death of Banquo  
Macbeth listened to his wife  
And then he took up a knife  
You’d think he’s weak, but then he took Duncan’s life!  
I’d like to make Macbeth believe  
That Banquo’s kid will be king  
It’s hard to say if Macbeth will try to kill Banquo’s offspring  
But either way, our plot is in full swing!

_[Enter Macbeth.]_

**Macbeth:** Hey guys, got any news?

 **Witch 1:** Nice crown.

 **Witch 2:** Nice robes.

 **Witch 3:** Nice… face? No, not really.

 **Macbeth:** I said, got any news?

 **Witch 1:** Yep. Good news, actually. Good news for you. A prophecy, of sorts.

 **Macbeth:** Oh?

 **Witch 1:** Oh, yeah! We just haven’t worked it out yet. It’s that you should _(she throws a dart)_ laugh… to _(dart)_ scorn… the power of _(dart)_ man… for none of _(dart)_ woman… _(dart)_ born… shall _(dart)_ harm… Macbeth.

 **Witch 2:** You shall never be _(she throws a dart)_ vanquished… until _(dart)_ Birnam Wood do come to _(dart)_ high Dunsinane hill.

 **Witch 3:** And watch out for _(she throws a dart)_ Macduff. That’s all we got.

 **Macbeth:** Watch out for Macduff? No problem! I’ll just kill his whole family.

 **Witch 1:** Uhh… okay?

 **Macbeth:** Thanks, weird sisters!

_[Exit Macbeth.]_

**Witch 2:** _What_ did he just call us?

_[Exeunt.]_

 

**Scene 8: MURDERS. The THREE MURDERERS, A MESSENGER, LADY MACDUFF, and MACDUFF’S KID are there. MACBETH is on the opposite side of the stage.**

**Macbeth, to the tune of ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’:** Gonna murder Macduff’s wife  
Gonna murder Macduff’s kid  
Gonna murder anyone who stops me!  
Gonna murder Macduff too,  
Kill him ’till he’s black and blue,  
That way I can be king for eternity!

_[The THREE MURDERERS go around stabbing as MACBETH continues to sing.]_

**Macbeth:** Look out! There goes Macduff’s wife, _(LADY MACDUFF is stabbed)_  
Look out! There goes Macduff’s kid. _(MACDUFF’S KID is stabbed)_  
Look around and revel in all the slaughter! _(the MESSENGER is stabbed)_  
I’m so glad that I am king,  
Cuz I can do anything,  
Can kill anybody’s son or daughter! _(he stops singing)_ Wait a second, Macduff’s not here. Hey! Murderers! Where’s Macduff?

 **Messenger, with his dying breaths:** He’s in England preparing to go to war against you. _(he dies.)_

 **Macbeth:** UNFAIR!

_[Exeunt.]_

 

**Scene 9: MIDDLE OF A FOREST (Birnam Wood). MACDUFF leads an ARMY of MISCELLANEOUS THANES and OTHER PEOPLE who may or may not just be the people MACBETH has killed. MALCOLM and DONALBAIN are there.**

**Macduff, singing:** Are we out of the woods yet? Are we out of the woods yet? Are we out of the woods yet? Are we out of the woods?

 **Army:** Are we in the clear yet, are we in the clear yet, are we in the clear yet, in the clear yet? Good.

 **Macduff:** Grab some branches!

 **Donalbain:** Why?

 **Macduff:** To disguise our number. We march up to Dunsinane Hill where Macbeth’s castle is, and we kill him. That’ll stop all this murder!

 **Malcolm:** So your solution to all this murder is… murder?

 **Macduff:** Yes. C’mon!

_[Macduff brandishes a branch and leads his army offstage. Exeunt.]_

 

**Scene 10: DUNSINANE CASTLE. LADY MACBETH manspreads in a chair, fixated, staring at her hands. MACBETH approaches.**

**Macbeth:** I just heard that Macduff is mustering an army against us.

 **Lady Macbeth:** Huh.

 **Macbeth:** Not to worry, though, because unless they all grab branches from Birnam Wood and carry them up Dunsinane hill-- _(he looks out the window)_ Oh shit, they’re all grabbing branches from Birnam Wood and carrying them up Dunsinane hill. Unfair!

 **Lady Macbeth:** _(an odd moment of vulnerability)_ Macbeth, are my hands bloody?

 **Macbeth:** What?

 **Lady Macbeth:** Sometimes they are, and sometimes they’re not. _(she turns them from side to side, examining them)_ It’s weird.

 **Macbeth:** Honey, we have an army coming after us.

 **Lady Macbeth:** You’re right. This is just a minor inconvenience. _(pause)_ Wait. This is a minor inconvenience!

 **Macbeth:** Yeah?

 **Lady Macbeth:** Well, you know what that means!

 **Macbeth:** No?

 **Lady Macbeth:** It means I gotta kill myself!

 **Macbeth:** What?

 **Lady Macbeth:** What?

 **Macbeth:** What?

 **Lady Macbeth:** It’s a Shakespearean tradition! A woman is mildly inconvenienced--you know, her gay ex-boyfriend stabs her father through a curtain, or something--so she just goes and dies offstage.

 **Macbeth:** That--that makes no sense.

 **Lady Macbeth:** I know. But I gotta do it!

 **Macbeth:** Why?

 **Lady Macbeth:** Cuz this play needs more death.

 **Macbeth:** It really doesn’t.

 **Lady Macbeth:** I know. I know.

_[Exit Lady Macbeth.]_

**Macbeth:** _(an odd moment of solemnity)_ Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying… nothing!

_[Enter Lady Macbeth.]_

**Lady Macbeth:** Haha, nothing!

 **Macbeth:** What?

 **Lady Macbeth:** Nothing, nothing, nothing!

 **Macbeth:** What’s so funny?

 **Lady Macbeth:** It’s Shakespeare. I’m basically contractually obligated to laugh at every instance of the word ‘nothing.’

 **Macbeth:** Why? What does it mean?

 **Lady Macbeth:** PUSSY!

 **Macbeth:** _(thinking she just insulted him)_ Rude!

_[Exit Lady Macbeth, still laughing. Enter ARMY and FLEANCE, yelling.]_

**Army:** AAAAAAAAAH!

 **Macbeth:** AAAAAAAAAH!

 **Army:** AAAAAAAAAH!

 **Macbeth:** AAAAAAAAAH!

 **Army:** AAAAAAAAAH!

 **Macbeth:** AAAAAAAAAH!

_[MACDUFF approaches and stabs MACBETH.]_

**Macbeth:** _(in an exaggerated British accent)_ Aw, fuck, I can’t believe you’ve done this.

 **Macduff:** Hey, is this what murder feels like? I can see why you enjoyed it so much.

 **Macbeth:** But hey, I thought no man of woman born could harm me!

 **Macduff:** Uh… I was delivered via c-section, actually.

 **Macbeth:** But you were still _born_! Unfair! _(he dies.)_

_[Enter WITCHES.]_

**Witches, to the tune of ‘Fireflies’:** You would not believe your thane  
Birnam Wood at Dunsinane  
This play is drawing to a close  
And now Malcolm will be king  
And then we won’t have to sing  
And Macbeth here will decompose!

 **Malcolm:** I’m king now! _(flatly)_ Yay.

_[Enter BANQUO’S GHOST.]_

**Banquo’s Ghost:** Hey, weren’t my kids supposed to end up as king?

 **Fleance:** Yeah, wasn’t I supposed to end up as king? _(sees BANQUO’S GHOST)_ Oh my god, my father’s ghost.

 **Banquo’s Ghost:** Oh, no. We are NOT going there. We do _not_ want a Hamlet on our hands.

 **Fleance:** You’re right. I really hate the guy.

_[Enter HAMLET.]_

**Hamlet:** Hey! What did I do?

_[Enter R &G, LAERTES, POLONIUS, CLAUDIUS.] _

**R &G, Laertes, Polonius, Claudius:** YOU KILLED ME!

 **Hamlet:** Hey! Acts three, four and five spoilers! Get outta here. _(to FLEANCE)_ And you’ve really offended me. What say you we engage in a family feud? Your household vs. mine.

_[FLEANCE reaches over and changes the poorly-made sign from ‘somewhere in scotland’ to ‘fair verona, where we lay our scene’]_

**Fleance:** Two households, both alike in dignity?

 **Hamlet:** Works for me.

 **Fleance:** Works for me.

_[A muffled sobbing is heard offstage]_

**Hamlet, Fleance:** What is that?

 **Malcolm:** The sound of Shakespeare crying.

_[ALL CHARACTERS exchange looks.]_

**All:** GOOD.

**Author's Note:**

> all the references to dunkin donuts were inspired by 'Scotland, PA' which is probably the third-best shakespeare adaptation in existence


End file.
